Mental Wealth Podcast

Rob

Today, we’re joined by therapist, educator, author, and positive psychology expert, Diane Lang, for a conversation that gets to the heart of why so many people struggle to feel worthy, and what we can do to change that. Throughout our discussion, Diane sheds light on the thought patterns that quietly undermine our confidence, how those patterns develop, and what we can do to break them. Whether you’re curious about building self-awareness, creating healthier habits, or understanding the psychology behind feelings of unworthiness in our modern world, this episode offers practical insights and compassionate guidance to help guide you in your journey towards self-acceptance. All right, let’s dive in. Diane, thank you so much for giving us your weekend. We really appreciate it.

Diane

Thank you for having me. I’m really excited to be here.

Rob

So your book, Worthy, it goes into some of the thought patterns that people might feel unworthy. Could you describe some of those thought patterns for people listening?

Diane

Sure. I have dealt with it myself, but that unworthiness and those thought patterns. And I kept seeing a lot of the same repetitiveness with a lot of my clients. And it could come up looking different for everybody, but it usually has a lot of, I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not likable, nothing works out for me. It’s usually that negative inner voice that we just can’t stop that’s in there. And it shows up throughout the day when we feel insecure. So it could show up at work as imposter syndrome. It could show up in our own personal or professional lives as perfectionism or looking for acceptance and approval from others. A big one for a lot of us, especially women, not that men don’t, but women especially is people pleasing, you know, trying to make sure everybody else is happy, even when you’re feeling so stressed and resentful and bitter. about it, but still having that fear of saying no or asking for help or self-care. So it seems to be the root of so many issues for so many people, that unworthiness, but that’s how it shows up both in our inner voice and some of the ways it shows up professionally as well as personally.

Rob

You spoke about perfectionism, and in the book you make a great point about perfectionism versus excellence, and some of the ways in which perfectionism can actually inhibit people from reaching their objectives personally. Could you speak a little bit about the difference between perfectionism and excellence?

Diane

So perfectionism is just setting yourself up for failure. There is no such thing as perfection, except for my dog. I do think my dog is perfect, but outside of that, we really can’t strive for perfection. It’s okay to strive for excellent. And one of the things is you have to define what excellent looks like for you. It’s kind of like happiness or success. They’re individually defined. You shouldn’t compare yourself to somebody else’s version or try to be somebody else. It’s what does excellent look like for you? Because it’s so different. 

And if we’re striving to be something that’s not going to cultivate happiness or even be intrinsic, where we have some internal value for it, it’s never going to work. And the The other thing is growing up in the New York City area, a lot of us have what we call the type A personality, where we’re always trying to be in control of everything, perfectionist, multitasking, which we know we’re not good at doing as humans, and always on the go and fast-paced. So sometimes they overlap here. I mean, it took me even a while because I’m like, all right, I’m from New York originally. I live in New Jersey now, but either way, we’re type A. But I realized that my perfectionism, yes, maybe some of it was type A, but a lot of it was really just perfectionism because I was so afraid of people seeing me if I failed, if I made a mistake, if I had a setback, which is really not what we should do. Because the truth is, if you’re taking any risks, if you’re living life, you’re going to have mistakes, failures, and setbacks. They’re part of life. They’re part of our experience. 

And instead of looking at them as failures, I like to think of them as teachable, learnable moments and thinking about, okay, what just happened? What can I learn about myself and/or the situation? How can I change? How can I grow? And building up that resiliency, because we can really become more resilient from our biggest failures. And the other thing that sometimes takes a while to think about, but if you think in your past, anytime you had a failure or something, you considered a mistake, an obstacle, a setback. When you look at it in hindsight, you’re like, wow, if that didn’t happen, it wouldn’t lead me into the direction I need to be. And if I would have stayed there in that negative stuck pattern of fear of failure or fear of success and perfectionism, it wouldn’t have led me to where I’m supposed to be. So using as kind of like a stepping stone into the right direction, of where you’re supposed to go and use it as a teachable, learnable moment. And it could really shift where we’re heading and how we see things, which is really important because happiness, it’s a perspective. Where do you choose to put your attention and focus? You could put it on the negative, or you could put it on the positive. And yes, the negative exists. 

We’re not saying it doesn’t exist, but if you just keep it on the negative, that’s all you see. If you choose to see the silver lining, the bright side, then you could see the good in a bad situation, or you could see the purpose in a painful situation, and both are really important. So we really want to look at everything as a teachable, learnable moment.

Rob

And that brings me sort of to my next point. You have a background in positive psychology as well. You use this rhetorical device in the book to talking about the idea of yet. You haven’t accomplished something yet. Could you speak to about what someone’s experience might be and how they can frame an idea in their mind to sort of think about something as a possibility rather than a negative connotation?

Diane

So that is a growth mindset and it is such a great topic. I’m so glad you brought this up. Because what happens is a lot of us have this fixed mindset. We just think we can do what we’re naturally born with. Like if you were great at math, that’s what you’re good at. I am not one of those, but let’s just say using math as an example, right? If you’re good at it, you stay good at it, but you don’t think you’re good at anything else. And I know for me, I’m showing my age, but growing up here in the United States, back when I went to elementary school, middle school, they really stayed focused on what you couldn’t do. Oh, you’re good at math? Well, great, but you can’t do English. And they would really like drill it into you. And it would make it that you ended up not liking that subject or even putting any effort into it because you just already thought that you were a failure at it, that you just couldn’t do it. wasn’t a natural talent. 

But if you have a growth mindset where you realize, yes, I have some strengths, these are things that I’m naturally good at, but even my weaknesses, right? Because we all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. If I put the practice in it, the time, the effort, I get the tutoring, the extra help, I take a certification, whatever it is that I need, I can get to where I want to be. And they say it takes about 10,000 hours to be an expert. So anything you put your effort into, you can get there. But instead of saying, I’m horrible at this or I’m not good at this, instead, if you say, well, I’m just not good at it yet, I’m just not there yet. 

And I try to get my clients to kind of see, like I had a client say to me the other day. She’s like, all this like negative self-talk, I’m getting better at it. I noticed that, but why am I just not doing well? And why am I failing? And I was like, no, you’re just not there yet. I go, you’re already halfway. And she was like, wow, that little word made such a difference. Because she kept thinking in her mind she wasn’t going to get there. But when she switched it from, I’m never going to get there, or I’m only halfway there and I’m going to be stuck to, I’m just not there yet, which means there’s hope, there’s potential. And then you can lead down after the yet to the next question. All right, what is my next step? What do I need to do? All right, I got same like as at a diet. If I want to lose 20 pounds, but I’ve only lost 10, instead of saying, well, this is it, this is as good as it gets. If I say, well, I’m just not at the 20 pounds yet, then it makes you think, okay, what do I need to do for the next 10? Do I need to switch my diet? Do I need to switch my exercise, my plateauing? Why? And it makes you think different than, well, this is as good as it’s going to get, where you just end it and you’re like, okay, this is it. And then sometimes you end up going back into the failure because you don’t believe you can go any further. So just using the simple word yet, or even knowing that we have that ability, even in like a workplace, if you look at your weaknesses and you decide which ones you would benefit from if you did the work, like for me, I’m really not good at visual spatial. I’m a verbal linguistic person. I love reading. I love writing, speaking to visual spatial. I’m horrible. But I knew visualization was such an important skill that I wanted, not just to teach my clients, my students, but for myself. I just wanted to be able to visualize myself that goal, even though it was a week. It took me, I’m not going to lie, months, probably six, seven months of practicing all the time with guided imagery, guided. But now it just comes to me. I mean, it’s a few years later, but now it just comes to me and I could just visualize. And this was something I couldn’t even do. 

So we all have that ability. So even your weaknesses can become strengths if it’s something you’ll benefit from. So definitely you’re not there yet.

Rob

In the book, you mentioned about the importance of journaling and sort of getting your thoughts out on paper on a daily basis and making that a practice. Could you speak about the sort of tangible benefits of that sort of daily practice? Is that similar to a meditation sort of mindset?

Diane

So when we think of mindfulness, like as a whole, there are different intentional practices of being mindful. So meditation, journal writing, gratitude, taking a yoga class, sitting in nature, those are all intentional practices of mindfulness, where you get all the benefits of, you know, reducing your stress hormone, cortisol, lowering blood pressure, reducing chronic pain, self-soothing, calming, sleeping better, right? We get all of those benefits, and journal writing is one of those. It’s something that you can do. I don’t want everybody to think like you have to. If you’re not verbal linguistic and you don’t enjoy journal writing or diary writing, creative writing of any type, this isn’t for you. And maybe taking a walk in nature is better or doing prayers or gratitude. There’s no wrong or right. It’s what works for you. 

But for a lot of my clients, we do a practice. where they do it every morning, it becomes part of their morning routine where they just do a free write. So you just get a journal, go to the dollar store, get yourself a nice journal, pen and paper always works better. I always say that, it’s just more therapeutic to write it out. And what you do is you just write whatever’s on your mind, just releasing it so we don’t hold on to it, doesn’t stress us out all day. Just write it. No spell check, no grammar check, no editing, just write to release. Now you have two options. You could keep it as a journal where you can go back to and look at how far you’ve come, self-awareness, self-reflection, see your patterns, your habits. Or if you don’t want to or you’re afraid someone’s going to read it, you can rip it up like you’re ripping up negativity for the day. I have a client who works from home and she puts it through her paper shredder. And not even because she’s afraid other people read it, she just feels like I’m releasing the negative. It’s just going and there it is. And you can use it either way or both. And it’s really good to have a routine. A morning routine sets you up for a day of success. Evening routine helps wind you down so you get a good night’s sleep. So for a lot of people, it’s a great morning routine, but it doesn’t have to be, but it does work really well and you do get that mindfulness, which is really important. 

But if you’re going to have a stressful day, it is a great way to start it off. Just write it out. And just a little other suggestion, in the evening, if you know you have busy days, you can make this part of your evening routine, just write out your to-do list. I’m always old school pen and paper showing my age, but I just find that you retain it more, you remember it more, it’s more therapeutic. Write it, put it somewhere, you’ll see it in the morning, your nightstand, your computer, wherever it is. And then this way it doesn’t keep you up at night. Or if you wake up two, three in the morning, you don’t ruminate about it. It’s on paper and then you could just see it first thing in the morning and check it off as you go. But writing is really beneficial.

Rob

I would try to look at society in general now, more specifically this idea of the hustle culture people have where they’ve got maybe two or three jobs and they’re trying to focus on many different things during the day. Is there anything people in that situation can do to sort of reset, maybe be more mindful in the moment? And could you speak a little bit about the potential damage that kind of thing can do on your mindset on a day-to-day basis?

Diane

You know, it’s kind of funny. Like years ago, We were just considered freelancers. It wasn’t the gig economy or the side hustle. You were just a freelancer. And someone like me, I thrive doing that. Like I have my clients as a coach. I was teaching college. I taught college for 25 years. So I’d have one or two classes a semester. Then I would have speaking and I loved it. And all of a sudden it got this title. And for some people, we thrive that way. For others, it’s really stressful. So one, knowing your personality, just knowing what works for you, like not everybody should be a business owner, not everybody Other people thrive being part of a team. Some thrive being working alone, just knowing who you are and being aware of your value system, your personality, knowing what works. But if you are doing it, whether you’re doing it because you enjoy it or you need to financially or for benefits, whatever your situation is, again, even if you’re working two or three jobs, you’re going to have little breaks in there. 

And mindfulness for people, they always think it has to be like this hour-long meditation or take a half-hour walk to get the benefits, and it doesn’t. You can do little, I just say like little reboots, refreshes during the day that take two to three minutes that won’t change your schedule, but will give you that mindfulness reset. And it could be as simple as one, it could be preventative, right? So knowing that you went from one job, now you have an hour break, you got to eat, you got to drive, just getting in your car and for two minutes, Before you drive, just close your eyes. If you feel safe, obviously, if you’re not in a safe environment, don’t close them. But if you can, close your eyes and just breathe for two minutes. Just deep breathing, because when we’re stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, we either hold our breath or we shallow breathe, which makes us more nervous and jittery. It’s just deep breathing, which is just so simple. In through your nose, hold, exhale through your mouth. That’s it. If you just want to stay simple, just do that for a minute or two. If you want to add to do box breathing, which is the most popular one. It’s what the military does when boots hit the ground, and it’s the same process, just everything’s a count of four. So you take a deep breath through your nose for four, hold for four, exhale for four, repeat. And you could do that two to three minutes. If you don’t want to do deep breathing, or you got allergies, or you’re sick, or whatever it is, you could do a grounding exercise. And again, in between, you could do this before you walk into a job, when you leave a job, in the bathroom, in your cubicle, anywhere, you can do a grounding. Sounding is another form of mindfulness. And a simple one is just called the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. And it’s just using your senses. 

So again, it could be done anywhere. And it’s just as simple in any order you want. Like what are five things you see? You just look in the environment. What do you see? What’s going on around you? What are four things you hear? Again, just whatever it is, could be the humming of your computer, cars passing, three things you touch, two things you smell, one thing you taste. And if you don’t have anything to eat or drink, it could just be whatever you brushed your teeth, you taste a mint, the coffee. Those things are two to three minutes. Or just going outside for nature. So if you’re at your job and you need a break, walking outside, change of scenery. And if you can’t go outside, maybe you just go down to the lobby where the sun is coming through the window. Just sitting there, sitting in your car, feeling the sun on your skin, all of that is mindfulness. And very simple too, you can do this as you’re driving, a gratitude check. Just noticing this question, what are two to three things I’m grateful for that happened today? And you could be doing this a five at night driving home from work and noticing, wow, for some reason there’s not as much traffic. Or I’m getting to work my second job a little early. I have enough time to stop and get a coffee. Or wow, I ran into a friend that I don’t normally get to see. We got to talk for a minute. That’s simple. Gratitude is another form of mindfulness. So every time you’re feeling grateful, and it’s also a positive emotion. So it’s kind of a superpower. So every time I feel grateful, I get a boost of happiness because it’s a positive emotion. It’s also a form of mindfulness. I reduce my stress. 

The other thing is, if you make gratitude a consistent part of your routine, and consistency is key for all of this, if you do that every day, you start rewiring your brain to notice the good. Because it’s really easy to go to the negative. I’m stuck in traffic. It’s dark out. It’s cold. Instead of, oh, but I’m in my warm car, and yeah, there’s traffic, but I’m getting to listen to my favorite podcast. And this gives me an extra five minutes just deep breathe before I walk into the chaos at my next job or home with all the kids. Like you’ll get to see the good and a bad situation and gratitude does that. It rewires your brain in a positive way. And again, it’s all mindfulness and happiness. So you could do any of that in between and you can pick and choose. You don’t have to do it the same way every time. But just having, as I like to say, here’s your emotional toolbox. What tools are in there that you’re going to pull out to use? And they work. And even a simple one, just to add this, if you want to chew gum. And if you don’t want to chew gum, it’s the repetition of chewing. It could be peanuts, it could be pretzels, it could be Twizzlers, celery, but when we chew… repetitively, it reduces nervousness and worry. So maybe you’re going into, my college students say they’d rather die than public speak, a little harsh, but that’s how they feel. So I’m always like, hey, if you know you’re speaking today, your presentation’s today, chew some gum on your way in. Like not while you’re up there, obviously, that’s rude, but on your way in, just chew the gum or chew at your, you know, whatever you’re eating a snack and it’ll relax you. And it also, little side note, it improves memory. So it’s really good for, you know, if you have a presentation or a student or work related too. 

So there’s so many ways to just do things quickly easy It’s just taking little breaks throughout your day and the biggest one and I know babbling But just want to put this out here is the mind-body connection being aware of when you are hitting that stress point And it’s really easy for us to be in denial to preoccupy to avoid so mentally we can push it push it or shove it down But our bodies will let us know so know where you hold stress on your body Everybody holds stress on their body could be shoulders neck and It could be your jaw if you’re grinding or clenching, headaches, migraines, stomach, your whole body tenses up wherever it is. No, because that’s an alarm going off. So even if you feel like you’re just working, working and all of a sudden you just breathe for a second, you’re like, oh my God, I’ve had a headache for the last 20 minutes. That’s the sign. If you feel your jaw hurting, you’re like, okay, this is a sign. I just need to take two or three minutes to get up, change of scenery, breathe, whatever it is I need, but you need to pay attention to your physical body. Our body’s called the pain body. body because we hold all of those emotions on our body. So use it. It’s a red flag. It’s an alarm giving you the information you need to take a break. And we all have a different level of what stresses us out. So the best way to do it is pay attention to your body.

Rob

I was thinking about social media because we’re talking about self-worth and worthiness. A lot of people talk about the negatives of social media, whether there could be a positive correlation between community and social media and whether those positives outweigh the negatives.

Diane

So it’s a really hard question for this fact. Everybody is different, but for most people, and my college students have said this for years, most of the time, social media makes you feel worse than better. And Anderson Cooper, the journalist, said it perfect. He’s like, when I get off of Twitter or X, he’s like, I feel like ****. And you do usually, excuse my language, but if you go on for 5, 10 minutes, like maybe check, do you have any instant messages that come on or checking for birthdays, you just scroll for a few minutes, it’s probably not a big. 

My client said this to me the other day. She goes, I think I’m going to be on Instagram for 10 minutes. She goes, the next thing I know, it’s 45 minutes and my lunch break’s over and I didn’t even taste my food. Like I ate it, but I don’t even remember. We get on that autopilot. She goes, and then I feel worse. I feel guilty that I wasted my time. I got nothing productive out of the 1st 5 minutes of seeing some dog pictures and my friends where they were. So again, limited is fine because it gives you community. It gets you to see what’s going on, especially if you’re people who live far. It’d be great to see what you’re doing and see your pictures and your family. or using these technologies like Riverside or Webex or Zoom, those are great. And social media per se, if it’s limited, is fine. But again, the mind-body connection is perfect. Knowing when you’re starting to feel the stress. If you can tune into your body and know whether it’s 5 minutes or 20 minutes that it’s too much and you feel it on your body, that’s the sign to get off. One of the dangers I don’t like is most of us growing up, a lot of us just grew up watching TV. You didn’t have your phone, you didn’t have an iPad, you would just watch TV. Nobody can do that anymore. We just multitask. Everybody is doing, they have the TV on, they have their phone, they have their iPad, they have a laptop, and we’re becoming so overstimulated. It’s affecting our sleep. 

People are feeling more stress on their neck, back, and shoulders because you’re just sitting. We’re also knowing they’re not drinking enough water. We’re having issues with weight because we’re not exercising and getting up and moving. So it’s really important that, yes, use it for what you need it and know when it feels good and know when it feels bad. And I do suggest for most of my students as well as my clients is you don’t have to everything on your phone. If you need the effort, that’s what I just did one of my clients. I said, remove it all from your phone. So if you want to go on any social media, you got to go on it. Like it’s not on your app. It doesn’t come up. You have to go on it and sign in. And she started doing that. She goes, my God, it limited it because it’s such a pain in the ****. And half the time when I do it, I’m like, I don’t really want to see it. If it’s there and I could just go, I will. But if I have to make, even if it’s only a one minute effort, it’s not worth it. You realize that you didn’t want to be on it to begin with and there’s something else you should be doing. So it really is limiting your technology use and also limiting it, especially at night. Because whatever you’re thinking about 20 to 30 minutes before you go to bed, affects if you sleep, how you sleep, how you dream, what mood you wake up in. 

I was doing a speaking event yesterday and one of the attendees came on and she’s like, you know, you’re right. She’s like, I have the worst time at night because that’s where everything ruminates. And that’s what happens, right? You’re so exhausted. You said goodnight, goodbye to everybody. You lay down in bed, even though it’s dark on the TV and everything’s off, you start ruminating. And whatever you were just thinking about or watching, so no news at night, that’s just going to provoke fear and anxiety. But whatever you’re doing an hour before should just be late. If you want to watch TV, I know a lot of people fall asleep, put their TV on, just make sure it’s light, not the news, but remove your technology, your laptops, your smartphones, your tablets, get them out. The best way to fall asleep is a good old-fashioned book. Or if you’re going to listen to a meditation story or a podcast, put your technology under the blanket so there is no light. Put your headphones in and make sure it’s a technology that doesn’t go to an ad and wakes you up. So you could just fall asleep. And yeah, you might fall asleep with your earbuds in. You probably pull them out while you’re sleeping. But we can fall asleep to stories and podcasts and music and meditation, but you don’t want the light. And again, you don’t want it to be anything that’s overstimulating or upsets you. 

And social media brings us to that comparing ourselves to others and not just celebrities. The person we went to high school with, college, the neighbor, our best friend. And it’s a different kind of comparing. It’s not like when we were growing up and you just compared yourself to the magazine covers. TV. Now it’s everywhere. So it’s really inundating. So just limiting it. I know these are long answers for questions, but they’re just not simple to just say one or two things.

Rob

I appreciate it because it’s all connected. It’s connected to ruminating. It’s connected to the daily experience of gratitude because you look at social media, maybe you don’t feel as, you don’t have the right gratitude for the things you have because somebody else has more. So it’s all sort of connected to that day-to-day experience and the mind-body connection as you. 

Mukund

For the self-worth part, what is the baseline that you say that you’re not good enough yet? I know for weight loss, there might be in numbers as a baseline, but what about that cannot be quantified? How do you evaluate where you are in that stage of improvement?

Diane

I think everybody defines it for themselves. So what happens for most of us as adults, and especially midlife, I see a lot of this is somewhere in our late teens, early 20s, we made a goal of what our life will look like when we’re older, right? When we’re adulting, right? We figure out how much money we’re going to make, where we’re going to work, where we’re going to live, kids, the whole thing. And usually somewhere midlife, late 30s, early 40s, maybe mid 40s, a lot of people start going, well, my life didn’t turn out as planned. This sucks. Or People go, wow, it turned out exactly as I planned it, but I don’t like it. And they start having kind of like a little bit of an identity confusion. Like, what do I want? What am I doing? It’s also a time in life where, you know, hormone changes, whether it’s women, perimenopause, menopause, for men, it’s andropause. It’s the empty nest syndrome for a lot of people where the kids are out or so busy that you’re like, okay, what do I want to do? Or, you know, a lot of times we’re like, well, we don’t need to have this much financial coming in because we’re done with college and mortgage so we can have more freedom of what we want. there’s all those things, or, the sandwich generation, now your kids are still there, but now you take care of your parents. There’s so much going on, and it causes a lot of people to really… kind of evaluate their lives. 

So, I’m not doing research or, I didn’t do any data research work, particularly for the book. It was more of what I was hearing from clients and students. And that seemed to be the common theme. It’s like 38, 39 to like almost 50 people were like, you know, I’m not where I’m supposed to be. And sometimes it’s comparing themselves to where they thought. Sometimes it’s what their parents told them they should have done or what society. And then social media comes in and says, well, look at this. Almost 20% of the people you went to high school with are making this much money and they live here. And then you start, it’s really your own cycle in your brain. Because for some people, they are in their 40s because it’s not everybody. And they’re like, I wanted to have three kids and they would be healthy and happy. And well, I did it. And then maybe they’re like, what’s next? And they’re thinking about their next chapter, but they don’t feel that. Certain people, and I am one of these, always looking for what’s next. Like I always need to be doing better. And I feel like I’m never going to be one of those people who’s fully satisfied. 

And yes, that brings up some challenges of, am I ever going to be fully happy? But on the other hand, it keeps me really motivated and driven. So I kind of like it, and I don’t want to lose that spark. So I’ve kind of learned to be more moderate. Like, okay, take some time to savor and appreciate what you have done. Then you could go, okay, what’s next? But I think most of us don’t do that. We just go, well, I’m here. How do I get there? We don’t just go, okay, well, you know what? 10 years ago, I never thought I’d be here. Like, I always wanted to teach college and when I became a professor, it was a huge deal for me. 25 years later, I couldn’t wait to get out. And my husband said to me, he’s like, you know, this was a big deal for you. And I’m like, it was. I spent some time enjoying it and it was time to go for me, but I never did that with almost anything else. Remembering your journey is your journey. If you compare it to other people’s journeys, it’s never going to work. Somebody’s always going to be in a better place and somebody’s always going to be in a worse place. So it’s where do you want to be? And if you’re always moving forward, then I think you’re on a good path. Baby steps are fine. It’s just staying forward. 

But knowing that, you know, you have to take some time to savor it. I’ve noticed for me and for a lot of people, when we savor it, we start appreciating it, then we get to see the good and then we can move forward. I have a lot of my clients do this one simple exercise called the stick figure exercise, where you just kind of put a stick figure in the middle. On the left side, you put all your quality traits, right? Everything that you professionally, personally. The other side, you put all your accomplishments. And then on the bottom, you can put all the roles you play. And when you see the full picture, you realize how far you’ve come. And it boosts your confidence, but it also gives you a really clear picture, especially if you’re somebody who is negative and doesn’t see how much you’re doing, how many accomplishments you have, what great quality traits and strengths you have and what roles you do, how much you do. And it’s sometimes a real good awakening to see it and be like, wow, I am doing a lot and I have come really far. And that’s really important. When people talk to you, when people are not happy with where they are.

Mukund

In how many cases is money an influence on them? Is it more financial or is it more emotional satisfaction that they are unhappy with?

Diane

Statistically, happiness and money don’t really correlate that well, believe it or not. So I mean, what it looks like is if you’re making only, let’s say you live in New York, New Jersey, where median income to live a normal, decent life is like 100,000. If you’re making $30,000, it’s do I pay my rent or get food? Yeah, then making more money is going to bring more happiness. Absolutely. But if you’re making $100,000 or $300,000 or $5 million, your happiness only goes up by about 5% the more money you make. And I’ve noticed that with clients, it’s really more an inner. It’s not about the money. It’s more of like, do I feel good doing this? Was I successful? Did I accomplish my dreams? And even I’ve been doing some work for a company recently where we’re asking the employees what makes them feel recognized. And I’d say a lot of them did say, of course, a raise, but at least like 90% were like, well, the raise is good, but I also want some recognition, like a thank you or a praise or telling me what I’m doing. Well, like the praise is just as important. It’s that positive reinforcement. Yes, reward, whether it’s money, days off, PTO, any of that’s great. But if you’re not getting somebody saying that’s a really good job or thank you or a pat on the back, they don’t want to be there either. So they’re pretty important, both of them. But I’d say Once the people are making enough money that they feel comfortable in their lives, that’s not really the main issue anymore. It’s really more emotional.

Rob

I like that you brought up the reinforcement of praising people for doing a good job. If you’re told you do a good job as a kid, you start to learn that you are good at this thing, and then you sort of go more into your natural talents from a… a working perspective too, as adults, we’re just looking for the same kind of praise, like we would from a parent or a teacher from our boss, we’re looking for the same kind of thing, recognition. I want to sort of speak about the idea of apologizing. You said yourself that you were guilty and over-apologize for things that you didn’t necessarily need to apologize for, and that connects deeply with the idea of worth. Could you speak about that and how people might recognize that sort of symptom in their self?

Diane

Apologies are important. When we genuinely do something wrong, a full apology is acknowledging what you did wrong, what behavior or habit is hurting other people, and then not just apologizing, but making the change. But when we’re always apologizing, even for things we didn’t do wrong, you know. 

Like example, I had a friend who does this. We went to a restaurant and I asked for something and they didn’t have it. She’s like, oh, I’m so sorry. And I’m like, what are you sorry for? You’re not the chef. You don’t own the restaurant. She’s like, well, I don’t know. I’m just sorry. And I’m like, but you don’t need to be. And she’s like, well, I picked the restaurant. I’m sorry. I’m like, that’s the kind of apologies. And that really leads back to looking for acceptance and approval. It goes back to people pleasing. It’s just one of the ways it comes out.

 And you know, you can learn instead of saying sorry, saying like when you’re in a store and you bump into somebody, you’ll notice Some people will be like, oh, I’m so sorry. And other people will be like, well, excuse me. And changing sometimes the wording, or again, instead of saying, I’m sorry I’m late, saying, well, thank you for waiting for me. Shifting how you speak, but you also have to shift how you speak to yourself and know why am I saying I’m sorry. Am I saying I’m sorry because I’m afraid you’re going to be mad at me? Am I saying I’m sorry because I’m afraid I’m a failure and you’re going to see me for who I truly am and not like me? There’s a difference. And sometimes it’s just such a habit that even when you start changing your mindset, it just comes out. That’s what I’ve noticed. is for a lot of people, you’re so used to using that wording. For me, when I started changing it, I stopped apologizing all the time. I remember at one point, somebody’s like, you didn’t have to apologize. I’m like, did I say I’m sorry? Like, I didn’t even hear it because I was like, I don’t feel sorry. I didn’t do anything wrong. I really meant to be like, excuse me or whatever it was. But it was such a habit that I actually had to start shifting the habit. 

And again, to really change a habit or break a habit or form a habit for it to be autopilot the way sorry was autopilot, It takes a good 2 1/2, three months of consistency. So just giving yourself that break and that grace to know it’s going to take time and just becoming aware. For me, for a few weeks, I literally wore a rubber band around my wrist. And every time I said negative things, including I’m sorry when it didn’t be needed, I’d snapped it. And I called it the snap to awareness technique. And yeah, it was a little painful, but that’s nothing major. But that’s how you know you’re doing things that are so negative. And it kind of woke me up to like, you don’t need to do this. You don’t need to apologize. You don’t have to say, are you mad at me? Because a lot of times when people frequently apologize, it’s also, are you mad at me? Is everything okay? Because it’s just that fear that people aren’t going to like you. So it comes out in all those ways. And that’s just one of the signs that you feel And again, none of this is a judgment or a bad thing. It’s just awareness to know, I need to find more self-love, or I need to deal with the insecurities, or I really need to go back to where this unworthiness comes from, whether it’s childhood, whether it’s something later in life, but just dealing with the issues or noticing if you’re being triggered. You might have done the work, but we easily can be triggered later on in life and things can come up. Just being aware of it so you can make the changes or get the help you need or just start loving yourself. And that’s really important, self-love. 

And that’s what we all need. And we don’t need to deserve it. If you’re here, you’re human, you’re on this planet, you’re worthy. That’s really a simple, you’re here for a reason, whatever that reason is. And that could take years. I had a client just say that to me this morning. She’s under 60, she’s like, I still ask myself, why am I here? Like, what’s my real purpose? And sometimes I think the journey is the purpose. You keep changing why you’re really here. But we do need to have that self-love and knowing that you’re here for a reason is enough to know you’re worthy of it.

Rob

That’s such a great point to sort of sum up what we’ve been talking about. You mentioned that just even that small mention of the rubber band technique is talking about the… the mind-body connection that you’ve mentioned so much. And some of these tools are going to be so helpful to so many people who are having these questions for themselves and trying to think about how am I going to achieve my goals? How am I going to deal with this small daily thing that happens in my day-to-day life? Diane, we really appreciate all this time and this amazing information you’re providing.

Diane

Well, thank you for having me. It was nice to be a guest.